Last night, Orange Man tried to reassure the American people about the size of his penis, because this is something polls show is important to voters when it comes to who sits in the Oval Office. I know it’s been on my mind.

He has been doing his best to look like a president since Super Tuesday, even turning his tacky gold-columned private club into the set of a reality TV show and pretending to hold a presidential “press conference” in front of a row of American flags as long as several stretch limos. Fake Orange President let Chris Christie try out for the role of Vice President, but Chris didn’t pull it off too well, instead looking like a seriously seasick victim on the deck of the Titanic.


The flags helped, but like most Americans I was still wondering, “Yeah, but is he fit to be president? Exactly how big is this guy’s penis?”

Bullies are often trying to compensate for low self-esteem, so I was suspicious – exactly what is he trying to cover up? Calling the other candidates “Little Marco” and “Lyin’ Ted” sure sounds like he’s trying to deflect attention from some, ahem, shortcomings of his own.

And it’s clear he got emotionally stunted somewhere in his childhood, what with his second-grader grumpy faces and fifth-grader eye-rolling and seventh-grader blustering. Could there be physical ramifications?

At any rate, I’m glad he has cleared up this question for us. And definitively, too, because he kept saying, “Believe me,” so it must be true.

The New Vulgar … There Isn’t One

After the show — I mean the debate — Emmy award-winning journalist Bernie Goldberg complained to Bill O’Reilly on FOX “News” about Orange Man’s behavior, saying that it was inappropriate and vulgar for a presidential debate, and what about kids watching with their families? (To say nothing of adults who might have mistakenly tuned in to hear about policies.)

But O’Reilly was still all giggly and glowing from pandering to Orange Man after the debate — “Let me know if I’m too hard on you, OK, Donald?” — and so he told Mr. Goldberg to get over it,  times have changed, and talking about your penis in a presidential debate isn’t vulgar at all.

Welcome to America, 2016.

photo courtesy ABC News

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