Stupid, stupid week. Stupid. I’ve been doing so well with my grief and have felt quite happy for more than a month. Phew! Out of the woods after a year of crashing through the underbrush of my brother’s death. I’ve been de-cluttering my house a bit, setting up filing systems, taking care of some boring financial and estate matters — you know, being all normal and stuff. Woo hoo!
Then I got this stupid sinus infection and then a stupid itchy rash in reaction to the antibiotics I took, and I’ve had a stupid headache for weeks, and all of a sudden I’m sitting at the IHOP in front of a plate of blueberry pancakes and I’m weeping again. Again. Still.
It was a song that did it, one that has caught me off-guard several times in the past year, and always in a restaurant where I can’t escape. From the first chords of “Let Her Go” by Passenger, my throat closes up and my eyes fill, and I think “Oh shit.” The song was played incessantly as my brother reached the end of his life. It’s the type of song that he always loved, poignant and full of longing.
“Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go…
And you let her go.”
Gets me every time. Somehow I feel connected to him when I hear it. And right now when I’m sick and sad and itchy, I just want the person who loved me the most. And he’s not here.
I drafted a blog last week about how well I was doing with my grief, how happy I was. I also drafted three other blogs that I thought were brilliant – or at least passable – when I wrote them at 1 a.m., but by 10 the next morning, they had lost their sheen and needed work and I just didn’t have the energy to fix them. One is about my dead neighbor, one is about alcoholism, and one is about the word ratiocination. So they’ll be along at some point.
But for now, you’re just getting this stupid blog about a stupid week and I’m not even going to edit it because that would be stupid since it’s stupid anyway.
Please stay tuned — the regular me will return shortly.